Lisa's story
Experiences of cervical cancer and treatment
I think the worst thing for me when I was diagnosed was that my future was no longer my own. My life and survival was in other peoples hands and being an independent person, who was always the strong one in my whole family, I was in very strange territory.
I remember waking the morning after I was diagnosed and my partner was watching me sleeping with tears streaming down his face. As I comforted him it dawned on me that this had already changed all our lives forever. The fear and uncertainty was actually palpable between us all and my large, usually noisy extended family became very subdued. There were lots of tears. I had to joke that I wasn't gone yet and could they please cheer up and be more positive!!!!!!
I was very upbeat and strong in front of my family, giving them comfort and reassuring them all was going to be just fine. When I was on my own sometimes however it was a different story. My favourite place to cry was in the bath where I remember making lots pleas to god that if I was going to die, then could I please have enough time to prepare my children and loved ones and see that they were ok.
The waiting was the very worst...waiting for scans...for phone calls... for pre op appointments and MDT meeting decisions...waiting for the doctor to come into the examining room in clinic when you could hear them talking amongst themselves. Were they talking about me? Did I want to hear what they had to say.....or did I want to run out of that room and keep running as they were taking so long! It felt like the world had stopped turning and I was holding my breath in anticipation of what news was to befall me.
When treatment begins it really feels like you are actually setting out at last on the road to recovery. For me I just wanted to focus on getting through it and I didn't consider or really fear the side effects. To me it was the means to giving me the best possible chance of survival and I put my complete faith in my team without question.
Some patients I met were very much in charge of their disease and knew absolutely every possible outcome and scenario possible. I admired them for it, but for me, knowing too much at that time would have deeply affected my emotional well being. I wanted to be positive. There would be plenty of time for the reality of living with cancer later on. It really brought home to me that even though we are all totally united in our battle with this disease, the actual fighting it is a very personal and individual thing.
Radiotherapy soon started to take it's toll on me. The bowel and bladder problems started in the second week. The toilet was to be my constant companion. I couldn't tolerate much food at all and was so uncomfortable. I just kept thinking it would be finished soon and tried to keep focused, but at times it was so hard. You have to be very careful with your skin and keep it moisturized. One of the hardest things for me was not being able to have hot baths. You could shower down with tepid water and simple soap. The one thing that relaxed me and gave me time and space to myself and I couldn't do it.
Unfortunately for me I had many complications from the treatment. I had to have I.V antibiotics before my first surgery for a serious U.T.I, brought on by the tumour leaning on my bladder. This meant they had to defer my first chemo and there started a chain of events which would see me in and out of hospital for two years, needing major surgery on my kidney.
It was during a long stay in hospital, shortly after my treatment had finished, that I began to just cry non stop and couldn't seem to get a grip of anything at all. I couldn't sleep and was having hot and cold sweats on top of the infection and kidney problems. I remember struggling to the shower and sitting in there for what seemed like an eternity, weeping and weeping in the only place I could find some privacy. There just didn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel and I was so weak I just didn't have any fight left in me. I very wisely asked to see my CNS and she came upon me at yet another very weepy moment, after yet another procedure in the C.T scanner to aspirate an abscess near my kidney.
I explained to her that I really didn't feel in control of my emotions anymore and was feeling utterly spent and desolate. She ordered a blood test to check my hormone levels and it confirmed that I was in full blown menopause. I was so relieved that there was a reason for my inability to control my emotions. It gave me some fight back. They didn't want to start me on any H.R.T until my infection and kidney problems settled down. When it finally got too much and the hot sweats were continuous, I was given H.R.T. The impact on my quality of life was immense. It gave me back some control of my life and set me on the road to recovery. There was an issue with taking it with my kidney function, but when I tried to do without them the hot sweats and feelings were overwhelming me again. Now I take one every other day and it works for me and keeps the demon sweats at bay.
When I look back on this journey, I have come to realise that when we least expect it, we find strengths within ourselves which are both exceptional and amazing. I could not have managed without the support of Jo's. To be able to voice your fears here and get the love and support which keeps you going, even on the darkest of days is truly wonderful. To get inspiration from some of the bravest women I have ever encountered in my life and to gain knowledge and understanding from these special people is a privilege. As my journey has progressed, one of the best things for me has be able to give back some of the support I have received over the past couple of years. If I log on and can give comfort to women or family members just starting out on this huge journey in their lives, then it keeps this family of ours as special as it was when one incredible lady left it as her legacy all those years ago.
Last updated: 10/03/2011
