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Fearful Feelings

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KirstyJames
KirstyJames's picture
Fearful Feelings

Hi All,

 

Hope you guys are all well and treatments are going to plan.

 

Just wanted to ask if anyone has had similar feelings as me post treatment.

I have been really positive about having CC and the treatment i have undergone and i keep getting told how brave i am by family and friends, but inside im so frightened that this disease is going to return and finish what it started.

Im contantly checking my body and having aruments in my head with myself saying "thats a lump"/"no its not", "you feel fine"/"somethings not right".

Ive been given the all clear in that when they carried out the radical hysterectomy all the margins were clear but still waiting on my MRI and internal check to confirm this. until this happens i dont think i truly believe its gone and even when i do im frightened im gonna scare myself in to thinking it will return again.

I cant watch the cancer research adverts cos i want to throw something at the TV and tell it to stop poking fun at me/reminding me all the time (i know its not but it just feels like its being mentioned everywhere) i hate it when people talk about their kids and there plan for more etc

 

Just feel so angry with the world but also scared at the same time and i dont know how to stop being like it. i was so positive about beating this and coming out smiling but now the cracks are starting to show. i dont wanna tell my family this is how i feel as they have been through alot.

 

sorry for the long post, needed to let it all out

 

big hugs

xxxxxxx

Diagnosed with CC 1B3 19.7.12 Age 25
CIN 3 smear results,
Radical hysterectomy 7.8.12 causing Neuropraxia to left leg
Told my margins were clear 15.8.12
Full all clear given 28.11.12

Lu-Lu

Hi Kirsty, I'm so sorry to hear how u r feeling....I can completely understand how u feel. I felt & still feel the same sometimes. I was really positive through all my treatment then the sleepless nights started :0( I dealt with my concerns by putting everything in place (just in case) as I have 3 young children. I know it may seem morbid to assume the worst but I've had thoughts that this ain't over yet. I play out my future in my head sometimes & I find it hard to believe I will still b here in a few years. I live in bubbles of 3mths at a time as I can't bear to plan beyond that. My Nxt review was supposed to be on 20th Dec but the thought of 'bad news' potentially ruining my 'last' Xmas made me move it to 9th Jan so i can enjoy it. In an attempt to take some control I have moved my family nearer to friends/godparents who will be there if they ever need them. I have bought our forever home so the children & my husband never have to move again & have been putting all our finances in place just in case. I have managed to do it all within 6mths of finishing treatment & now I'm thinking of my Nxt project to get me through the Nxt 3mths! I just know that if the worst we're to happen, I would not b clear headed enough to deal with all that stuff so doing it now stops me worrying. I don't know how to help you regain your positivity, I just assumed once treatment was done I would go back to normal. What I now realise (for me anyway) there has to b a 'new' normal as the worry never goes away. The good news is that time does make it easier & you do learn to push it to the back of your mind more often. Maybe try & give yourself some short term goals to focus on & occupy your mind. You will find a way through this, it just takes one day at a time & lots of love & support. Thinking of you.x

19.10.11 Smear 1.11.11 Mild Dysk 9.11.11 Colpos+Biops (Poss CIN 2/3) 21.11.11 Diagnosed CC 22.11.11 MRI 23.11.11 Stage 2A Diag 13.12.12 Rad Hyst + 39 LN Removed 21.12.12 Pathology - Lymph Nodes involved 10.1.12 5wks Chem/Rad 20.6.12 Clear! 12.9.12 Clear!

LouiseUK

Hi Kirsty

I think we all go through this to a greater or lesser degree and agree with Lulu that it's about finding a 'new normal'.

I would say though that for some people counselling has been very heplful as it's a way of getting those scary feelings out without worrying your nearest and dearest.

I'm two years and five months post treatment and those worries still affect me - less if I'm feeling well, more if I have an ache or a pain of feel a bit unwell, or a review appointment is coming up.

A lot of people find the technique of mindfulness, which comes from the Buddhist philosophy of living in the moment can be helpful. I also lived from three month appointment to three month appointment, but a chat with my GP made me realise that whatever my future is, it benefits me most to be as fit healthy and well as I can be, and I have changed my lifestyle drastically to accommodate this. I also take opportunities when they arise and don't put things off - cos you never know, but then again, who does?

I also think that coming to Jo's (much as I love it) can skew your perspective as it can keep cc at the forefront of your mind, and you keep seeing more and more people going through what you have been through. There are many ladies out there who have used Jo's, but eventually moved on with their lives and don't come back and post so often - I know that's the case for me.

I hope you find your way through, don't be afraid to ask for help. Wishing you love and luck for the future

Louise xx

Laser treatment 95/96 for mild to moderate CIN. All clear smears until March 2010 then diagnosed CIN3. Biopsy showed cc 1b2 grade 3, RHND on 9/6/10, 16 lymph nodes removed. Given the all clear on 22/6/10 - no further treatment!! :D

KirstyJames
KirstyJames's picture

thank you so much for your replys, i think im going to take up a hobby to take my mind of it all. i get days when i feel like i can take on the world and then other days i hate the world.

its hard cos i dont have any children and people always ask when im going to start and it just draggs all those feelings back up (need a tattoo on my head to say "cant have babies")

i completely understand the "new normal" and i think thats how i have to look now as my perspective on life will and never can be the same.

thank you so much for replying its good to know im not the only one who feels like it and there is ways to cope/occupy my mind.

 

big massive squishy hugs

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxKiss

Diagnosed with CC 1B3 19.7.12 Age 25
CIN 3 smear results,
Radical hysterectomy 7.8.12 causing Neuropraxia to left leg
Told my margins were clear 15.8.12
Full all clear given 28.11.12

BusyBug
BusyBug's picture

Hi,

I'm 2 years out of trearment, and went to the GP today as I'm experiencing panic attacks leading up to oncology appointments. She assur3d me that this was perfectly normal - that after treatment we all expect to 'get back to normal' and then have a process of mourning for the normal we will never return to. She also said that it was quite common for us to go through a form of post-traumatic stress which is what she says I have. Hooray for diazepam!!!

Big hugs,

Ceri xx

Sept '10 - diagnosed 2B CC adenocarcinoma Chemoradiation/brachy - completed 22/12/10 Confirmed radiation damage to bowel 7/11 1 year all clear - 12/11 Diagnosed with bile acid malapsorption due to radiotherapy - 12/11 2 year NED 11/12

BusyBug
BusyBug's picture

Hi,

I'm 2 years out of trearment, and went to the GP today as I'm experiencing panic attacks leading up to oncology appointments. She assur3d me that this was perfectly normal - that after treatment we all expect to 'get back to normal' and then have a process of mourning for the normal we will never return to. She also said that it was quite common for us to go through a form of post-traumatic stress which is what she says I have. Hooray for diazepam!!!

Big hugs,

Ceri xx

Sept '10 - diagnosed 2B CC adenocarcinoma Chemoradiation/brachy - completed 22/12/10 Confirmed radiation damage to bowel 7/11 1 year all clear - 12/11 Diagnosed with bile acid malapsorption due to radiotherapy - 12/11 2 year NED 11/12

BusyBug
BusyBug's picture

Sorry - last post posted twice for some reason!

Sept '10 - diagnosed 2B CC adenocarcinoma Chemoradiation/brachy - completed 22/12/10 Confirmed radiation damage to bowel 7/11 1 year all clear - 12/11 Diagnosed with bile acid malapsorption due to radiotherapy - 12/11 2 year NED 11/12

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Moving forward from a cancer diagnosis