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All of my calm and resolve temporarily faded today, as I spent most of the day crying and stuffing my mouth with any junk food I wanted to eat. Tomorrow at noon I start fasting and bowel prep and then my parents will take my kids for the week and then I have to suffer through the night before surgery. I think Mother's Day hit me hard--I had such a nice day with my daughter and son and after being quarantined with only them since March 13, it is traumitizing to think of having them taken off from me, especially with all these thoughts of cancer. The past eight weeks I have apent obsessively focused on this surgery-the date was not really for certain until two weeks ago because of COVID. I have focused on getting strong and getting clothes and supplies for surgery. I have been so focused on the surgery that I think I have managed to sort of not think as much about the cancer. I have no sympyoms and feel great....
Anyway, today it all hit hard. I knew these last couple of days before surgery would be rough, and today was. I wish I could just fast forward to the part where I am waking up from surgery. I know I can make it. I have made it this far. But today I was just sad and scared and terribly anxious about the future all day. Hoping I can get some sleep tonight...
11/18Abnormal Pap CINIII
12/18Colpo confirmsCINIII-horrible experience with cruel doctor
12/18Cold Knife cone biopsy confirms CiNIII, clear margins-doctor says we should just take it all out
1/19 second opinion-close monitoring appropriate
5/19, 8/19 paps and colpos CIN I
2/20 Pap reveals CIN III
3/17/20 Lietz under GA
3/20/20 Cervical Cancer, no clear margins- doctor calls my situation rare and shocking as my cone had clear margins