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I turned 29 on Tuesday and on Thursday I had the dreaded letter. I know a lot about smear tests and cervical cancer as my mum is a cytologist, so I've lived around 'the fear' since forever.
This was my third smear test and was aware of the different process a smear now goes through (cytology and HPV testing) rather than previous just cytology.
I hate smear tests, in fact I put them off- I've always found them intrusive and uncomfortable but after 4 months building myself up, I went.
the letter came through on Thursday and I was HPV positive, negative abnormal cells. To say it hit me was an understatement! I just didn't understand.
My first reaction was... this is the start! I've just lost my great aunt to cervical cancer and I just kept thinking what does this mean for me.
after talking to my mum, researching online and realising what HPV was I then started to go into hypodrive.
I have been in a committed relationship with my fiancé for 7 years ... how had this happend? We are due to marry in September, How do I tell him? What if he thinks I've cheated on him? Has he cheated on me?
I felt branded.... like someone had slapped a massive sticker on my forehead. "I have an STI"
it took me a hours to calm down.
when my fiancé got home from work I've never felt fear like it. But I gave him my letter and he was amazing! We talked through that it can remain dormant and I could of had this for years without knowing, but now they haven't started to test for HPV therefore I'm just finding out. His reaction reminded me of why I was marrying this man!
however, my problem now is me!! I can't shake this stigma that I now feel is attached to me. I feel like he doesn't look at me in the same way. That he doesn't want to touch me, that I'm not normal.
we have been having unprotected sex since the beginning, it's work for us. We have no kids and no pregnancy scares, people judge but we are just extremely safe. To get rid of this HPV I've said that we need to start using condoms. He has of course said if that's what's needed then that's what we need to do... but I don't think I'm ok!
I'm a smoker... which I'm probably going to have to quickly stop. I now feel like I'm on egg shells with my life.... how am I going to switch this off in my head for the next year without it being on my mind constantly!
I feel dirty, scared and angry. Nothing I do is helping me shake this from constantly thinking about it, I do not want this to take over my mind.
Can someone offer me some advice?!