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Depressed and losing the will to live (children mentioned)

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Ren
Depressed and losing the will to live (children mentioned)

Hi, I have just had the all clear after being diagnosed with Cervical Cancer last November. I initially refused treatment until I had fertility treatment so that I could harvest my eggs. My doctor assured me that I would be able to have the treatment after I had undergone a hysterectomy as he was leaving my ovaries, he promised me they would be left. When I came round from my operation he told me he had removed them as I would have to have chemoradiation.

As I was leaving the hospital (quite literally while being pushed out the door in a wheel chair) my sister announces she's pregnant. She found out the day of my operation and decided to travel up north (she lives in London) to tell us the news, then left 2 days later wearing my maternity clothes.

My son is 6 years old, his father (my now x husband) left us when he was 5 weeks old.
My partner also has a 6 year old boy whose mother left (by left I mean she moved to another country) when he was 2 years old, a year later she returned and now has him 3 nights a week, which kills my partner, his son is his whole world and number one priority, he's so unhappy when he's gone and it breaks his heart when he has to hand him over (his son screams and cries and begs is not to take him to his mums, it's heart breaking)

We dreamed of having our own children, completing our family, our whole life is about being the best parents we can be for our boys. It's what brought us together in the first place.

It absolutely kills me that I can't have any more children, I want to adopt but I'm scared that as we both already have our boys, who we're so close to and can see so much of ourselves in, would we be able to feel the same about a child who doesn't share that same connection? I would hate for any child to feel that they weren't loved as much as their brothers because of something so stupid as genetics. I then hate myself for thinking that this could even be a possibility.

As the months have rolled by I'm now the only female of my generation in our family who isn't pregnant. My sister, my cousins (4 of them) and even my best friend is pregnant. I'm so happy for them and yet so jealous. I feel like I'm becoming bitter and angry and I don't want to be. My smile is becoming harder to force and I just don't have it in me to pretend any more and so I remove myself away from them. It's not their fault I can't have children. If I were in their position I wouldn't let someone else's infertility dictate when I think is the best time to have a family.

Then to top it off there's the guilt, the guilt of knowing how lucky I am to already have a son and still feeling that I still want more. The anger that surges when I'm told "be glad you already have a son" I am glad!!! He's so amazing he's another reason why it hurts so much, I want to give him the brother or sister he's been asking for for the last 4 years. I want to feel the same way I do about him for another child. He's my everything, he's the reason I love being a mother. He's the reason I'm still here.

Lauren
Henrah

Lauren I am so sorry that you are going through this . You have absolutely no need to feel guilty wanting another child when you have a soN. Of course you are glad that you have him yet the loss the idea of not having another is a very real loss. 

Everyone on this forum is so wonderfully supportive . Please continue to communicate with people here if that is something you find helpful. How's your support network - friends and family ?

like everything, there will be better days and darker days and I urge you to be kind and gentle on yourself . Focus on yourself and also those who are willing to help you . Make the most of them And accept their help.

its not an easy journey and this needs acknowledging but it's one I don't doubt you will triumph from and come out stronger .

 

thinking of you xxx

 

 

November 2015 abnormal smear followed by colposcopy and loop cone biopsy

December 2015 CC 1b1 diagnosed 

February 2016 Radical Trachelectomy

March 2016 told microscopic cancer cells were found in one lymph node - recommended further treatment (chemo/radio)

April 2016 froze 9 embryos. Considering potential surrogacy

June 2016 5 chemo 28 radiotherapy . Not easy esp with a baby who wakes early but im getting better 

 

Ren

Thank you Henrah,

My family are all caught up in the pregnancies at the moment, as far as they're concerned I'm cured and so the cancer is all done with, no need to talk about it anymore, I should be happy. 

My partner found it extremely difficult, he was pretty much absent throughout my treatment, he couldn't deal with it. He wants more children just as much as I do. It felt like we were just biding our time until my treatment was over before we ended it. Once my treatment finished though  he seemed to come back to me, we talk more and in a way we seem stronger than ever. I think he still wants a future with me, I'm just too scared to talk about it with him Or there hasn't been the right time.

My best friend, who is pregnant doesn't have much tact, she found out she was having a boy and sat there ranting at me saying she didn't want the baby if she was having a boy, she wanted a girl. (she has one boy already) I had tell her that she'd come round and that she'll love him regardless etc.  My other friends (friends I've made through baby groups and son's school) have been great couldn't have been better. I put on such a great show to them, a facade, all in the way I handled the whole cancer thing that I don't want them to see I'm not coping (if that makes sense) plus our get togethers are so lively and fun I don't want to be the downer in the group. 

Im still waiting to have counselling, I'm just hoping its arranged soon, I've already waited 9 months.

Lauren
astrek

Please get strength and find peace in the Lord. Live with faith. It is the only way. 

Junebug

Then to top it off there's the guilt, the guilt of knowing how lucky I am to already have a son and still feeling that I still want more. The anger that surges when I'm told "be glad you already have a son" I am glad!!! He's so amazing he's another reason why it hurts so much, I want to give him the brother or sister he's been asking for for the last 4 years. I want to feel the same way I do about him for another child. He's my everything, he's the reason I love being a mother. He's the reason I'm still here.

I love this. I relate to it. I'm so sorry that you were in this dark place a couple of years ago. I hope you have come out of it - please let us know. And please know your post is a comfort to those who are feeling this way now xxx

More Information

Living with the side effects of cervical cancer