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Feeling really low today

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LilyAnnie
Feeling really low today

Hi I just feel really down today.. Not sure why I'm putting it on here but I feel like no one else really understands. I've returned to work after 6 months off as I felt I needed to get back on track with my life but just find the pressure really hard. I've called in sick the last couple of days but I can't afford to take anymore time off. Plus I don't want to let work down as they were so good with me taking time off for treatment (come biopsy, rad. Hysterectomy & lymph node removal then 5xweeks of chemoradiotherapy).
I try so hard to put on a brave face with literally everyone and I find it really tiring. My GP has pretty much confirmed that I'm too far in the menopause to produce any good eggs, meaning that I will not be able to be a biological mummy with my husband.
I literally can't stop crying today I just feel so low. I don't want to get depressed and been fighting my emotions but I literally want to sleep all day and generally just feel sorry for myself.
My husband has always wanted to be a father and so I am prepared to attempt the surrogacy route with a donor egg (although at the moment I'm feeling quite weird about that, it will be like him having a child with someone else although I know it would be anonymous). We've been together almost 18 years and felt we did everything 'right' like finishing uni, buying a property and getting married, having a few nice holidays before settling down to have kids. My husband would have been happy if I had fallen pregnant at any time, it was always me being 'careful' and I just wish I'd gone ahead and had a family years ago. I'm now 34 and can't physically have children. I'm just devastated and everywhere I look someone is either pregnant or got kids, whether I'm watching TV, looking outside my window, at work, my friends and family.. It just seems every way I turn I can't escape it other than curling up in a ball and shutting the world out.
I'm also feeling really resentful with my friends and anyone that has children. This is so unlike me - I'm normally the most caring person but I just hate what cancer has taken away from me. I am re-starting counselling next week but it's not a miracle cure & I just don't know how to get back on track. My husband has been fantastic but I think I'm starting to get on his nerves because I'm so negative all of the time.
I'm not expecting a response to this but just wasn't sure who else to speak to. I think sometimes just writing it down helps!

Lolli888

Hi lilyannie

im sorry you are feeling down. It takes time from any traumatic event to go through all the stages.  It's good you are going back to councilling, it will take time but it will help. 

Keep going through the motions of work and it will get easier. your work grove will come back. Like anything it takes an adjustment period to feel like it's normal. 

it sounds like your husband loves you and wants a child with you not as a biological means but to experience raising and seeing a child grow and to develop into a couple that has a life enriched with all the things like sleepless nights to sport camps to family vacations. Not as a way of simply seeing what your genes can produce. The true meaning of being a parent is not just reproducing. 

Try to stay as positive as you can. Maybe try to meet some other parents that have adopted and you will see they are as just fulfilled as parents. I think when you don't really see that it seems so weird but it is as just as natural. 

remember it takes time to heal emotionally and physically. Be honest with your feelings and talk to your hubby. Don't shut him out. 

all the best to you. Stay strong honey. We all have our internal battles we fight with our own Demons. 

Xxx

March 8/16: postpartum pap clear

May 10/16: abnormal looking cells while putting in mirena under GA biopsy taken

May 18/16: severe dyskaryosis CIN3

June 9/16 :lletz procedure under LA

June 20/16: results from lletz shows cancer,waiting for mri

July5/16:staged at 2b, no lymph node involvement 

July18/16:started chemo/rad

sept6/16:finished 5 chemo,25 external rad,5 extra boosts,4brachy

sept.... The waiting begins. 

june2018:NED

LilyAnnie

Thanks lolli888, it's just so hard isn't it?! I'm trying to prepare myself for work tomo.. Hopefully getting back into the routine of work will help me. I still feel rubbish in myself but I'm sure I'll pull through it! 

Good luck to you xxx

Ren

Hi, I'm feeling exactly as you are now. My parents are taking me down to London tomorrow to see my sister and new baby niece. I'm going because I have to, it's my obligation as new Aunty but I can't imagine anything worse right now. My best friend gave birth to her son last week and I went in to the hospital to see them, I had to walk through the women's and children's ward to see them. I've told my mother that I didn't want to stay long at my sisters as I didn't know how much I could take - so she decided to make it a weekend stay and I feel like screaming. My cousins are pregnant, making me the only female in our family of my generation not having a baby. I've spent the last year smiling congratulating eveyone, ploughing on through treatment and I even surprised myself how strong I was how how well I was coping. I would sit and talk to my sister about pregnancy and symptoms etc, trying to be there for her. Help her feel happy about it. My best friend would sit and tell me how she didn't want to be pregnant, that it was an accident. She then continued to complain to me that she was having a boy but she wanted a girl. I would sit and tell her she would feel differently about him once he arrived, at least he's healthy. My cousin's x wife has also been pregnant this year, but had an abortion at 20 weeks, something I just can't get my head around. I'm feeling like the stregnth I've had up till now is falling away from me and I'm becoming bitter and I hate it, I don't want to be that person. I feel completely let down by my sister, who decided the best time she would announce her pregnancy would be the day I came out of hospital having had a hysterectomy and the day I was told they had taken my ovaries after the surgeon promised me he wouldn't. I had to call my parents to find out where they were as I was the only patient during visiting hours not to have visitors, because my family lost track of time celebrating their news. During my chemo and radiotherapy my sister would only call to complain about work, but wouldn't answer my calls or call be back if I needed/wanted to talk to her. I feel like Cancer has not only robbed me of my fertility but has damaged my relationship with my sister beyond repair. I'm devastated, bitter and jealous and completely broken and I don't know what to do with myself - does this ever get better?

 

I'm So sorry LillyAnnie that you're feeling the way you are. Life is so cruel and can feel like a living nightmare, I'm sorry that there is nothing I can do or say that will probably make you feel better, but know that you're not the only one who feels this way and I guess the way we are feeling is only to be expected given what we have been through. I hope that you find some peace from your counselling. Xx

Lauren
xxdollyxx
xxdollyxx's picture

Oh my goodness - Lily and Ren I feel exactly the same.

I struggle to get past the feeling that i will never have my own children. I am having counselling as i have been diagnosed with GAD (general axiety disorder).  i am bag of nerves most of the time and like you, find it difficult to entertain friends etc who are pregnant/trying.  It will never go away but something we have to learn to live with.  When i get upset i try and think to myself - the main priority is me being alive and that is why i had the surgery and treatment.  I wouldn't rule out a surrogate and egg donor in the future, who knows.  Know exactly what you mean about feeling bitter - i didn't even want to go to a christening earlier in the year becasue of the way i was feeling.

Stay strong both. Sophie xx

7/7/14 diagnosed with cc

MRI showed no spread

20/8/14 radical laparascopic hysterectomy with conservation of ovaries. Histology showed microscopic cell in one of nine nodes removed and LVSI present, so radio chemo combo starting 20/10/14. Triggered menopause  - ovaries damaged from treatment :-(

January 2016 Pain in groin, buttocks, tailbone, legs and slight bleed post sex. CT scan and colposcopy.

February 2016 Diagnosed with lymphaedema in left thigh, groin and pelvis. Awaiting bone scan to check for osteoporosis. 

May 2016 Osteopenia confirmed.  Prescribed HRT. 

September 2016 On to four monthly check ups :-)

Cmscmart

My friend was told after surgery on her ovariesshe could never have kids and she has two a few years later in her 30s she also could even handle walking past families but now she has her own natural children.

i have a son (I have also been told before hand that I could never have kids and fell pregnant first time)I felt really depressed myself and even bought real life baby dolls but now I could definitely adopt or have a surrogate before hand I would of felt the same as you but after having a child I could easily raise and love a child that wasn't from my egg I cant see any different you don't really think much about who's egg it's from when your busy raising them it's just about giving and receiving love

keep going to work even though it's hard but embrace your feelings and don't feel ashamed if you feel like lying in bed all day just do it this feeling will pass don't try and have the perfect life that you always imagine everyone should have unfortunately no one gets everything they want you just have to make the most of it I'm a single mum but after the heart ache I actually love being a single mum but get irritated by how everyone must assume I'm bitter or depressed about it I am conscious that I don't fit the norm in life but I just have to make it work

Klaw25

Hi everyone 

Im feeling really down today too. My husband and I had our final appointment at the fertility clinic yesterday after finding out that surrogacy wasnt an option for us because my husband isn't producing sperm. We then found out yesterday evening that his brother's wife is pregnant. I just feel devastated by the news. I feel like I cant bear it. I feel awful feeling that way but I just can't help it. I can't think about anything else. I know we will get there eventually but I just sometimes wonder how many more knocks we can take. To top everything I had to visit my oncologist today because I've been having some concerning bladder symptoms. I just feel like we're continually being knocked and I don't know how many more times I can get back up again.

Reading posts from you ladies makes me feel less alone. We will all get there it's just going to take time. 

Lots of love xxx

sleibo87

Honestly we just started traveling a lot!!!  Headed to paris for our 10 yr anniversary next month, went to China and Japan last April and Ireland/Scotland last Nov. Helps clear our heads, and hearing all our friends with kids say how they can't afford traveling cause kids cost too much, kindddaa helps. I just am obssessed with traveling now and at least for the moment makes me feel better that I am capable of doing something not everyone can do instead of me focusing on the things other can do that I can't. 

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