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Hi I just feel really down today.. Not sure why I'm putting it on here but I feel like no one else really understands. I've returned to work after 6 months off as I felt I needed to get back on track with my life but just find the pressure really hard. I've called in sick the last couple of days but I can't afford to take anymore time off. Plus I don't want to let work down as they were so good with me taking time off for treatment (come biopsy, rad. Hysterectomy & lymph node removal then 5xweeks of chemoradiotherapy).
I try so hard to put on a brave face with literally everyone and I find it really tiring. My GP has pretty much confirmed that I'm too far in the menopause to produce any good eggs, meaning that I will not be able to be a biological mummy with my husband.
I literally can't stop crying today I just feel so low. I don't want to get depressed and been fighting my emotions but I literally want to sleep all day and generally just feel sorry for myself.
My husband has always wanted to be a father and so I am prepared to attempt the surrogacy route with a donor egg (although at the moment I'm feeling quite weird about that, it will be like him having a child with someone else although I know it would be anonymous). We've been together almost 18 years and felt we did everything 'right' like finishing uni, buying a property and getting married, having a few nice holidays before settling down to have kids. My husband would have been happy if I had fallen pregnant at any time, it was always me being 'careful' and I just wish I'd gone ahead and had a family years ago. I'm now 34 and can't physically have children. I'm just devastated and everywhere I look someone is either pregnant or got kids, whether I'm watching TV, looking outside my window, at work, my friends and family.. It just seems every way I turn I can't escape it other than curling up in a ball and shutting the world out.
I'm also feeling really resentful with my friends and anyone that has children. This is so unlike me - I'm normally the most caring person but I just hate what cancer has taken away from me. I am re-starting counselling next week but it's not a miracle cure & I just don't know how to get back on track. My husband has been fantastic but I think I'm starting to get on his nerves because I'm so negative all of the time.
I'm not expecting a response to this but just wasn't sure who else to speak to. I think sometimes just writing it down helps!