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Mothers day...feeling really upset.

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Bumblebee25
Mothers day...feeling really upset.

Hi, 

I hope this is ok me putting this in here.. 

So after being diagnosed with CC 2b last year, I had chemorads and brachy like a lot of ladies on here have had. i'm 29, no children previous and I didn't have the opportunity to extract eggs prior to treatment or explore any other options as my codition was so bad at the time. I was bleeding severely and needed to start treatment as soon as possible. The fertility specialists we had managed to see straight up said it was too dangerous to even try and save eggs or anything else due to it posing such a high a risk to my life. I understood this, it's your life which matters at this point, and at least i didn't have to make the decision whether to postpone treatment or not as the decision was made for me, and that was that. It hurt though, a hell of a lot, we had been looking at embryo freezing only a few months before and were hoping to start the process as i became unwell. 

6 months ago i made the decision to try and put this side of everything into a box on a shelf until i was ready to deal with it, and making that decision had helped me a lot, until now. Yesterday it hit me like a brick, or a ton of them, being dropped from a very big height. I really don't know how to handle this, this time last year we thought we would have challenges but nothing like this, we had hope and i'm hoping i'll find a way to cope with how things have changed, but right now knowing that this special day isn't ever going to have the meaning i was hoping for has really got me.

I know lots of people are affected by this and i hope putting this in here hasn't caused distress to anyone. I just needed to post somewhere where there might be someone else who has experienced this after finishing treatment. Any help on this is greatly appreciated. 

Sending lots of love and hugs to anyone who needs it at this time of year.

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads. 

B xx

2 May 2017 Smear 4/5 May 2017 Haemorrhage. 8 May 2017 Colposcopy, LLETZ, punch biopsy.10 May 2017 MRI 11 May 2017 CT 1 May 2017 suggested diagnosis of CC 23 May 2017 diagnosed CC 2b19 June 2017 Start Chemo/Rad Finished 27 July.5 August 2017 Brachytherapy18 October 2017 MRI 7 November 2017 12 week appt & MRI results - lymph nodes no longer showing, inconclusive about remaining tumour. Scan again in 3 months.   February 2018 - All looks good, NED.

June 2018 - NED

October 2018 - 1 year post treatment - NED  

Bexter
Bexter's picture

I'm so sorry B xx It's devastating your circumstances and health inhibited steps to preserve your fertility.

I don't have kids either, but it wasn't quite as hard for me as I am ten years older than you and resigned to the fact my fertility was waning. I realise that my nieces and nephews are the only children I will have have in my life.

At the time of diagnosis things were a bit easier to choose as I felt that my chances of survival were doubtful at best.

Now I am in remission, i find that I am once again considering a future.

My sexuality and body image has taken a hammering from treatment, that i didnt really consider at the time. With my physical changes, and severe stenosis which is incredibly painful. I know that intercourse is no longer an option for me, and i definitely feel less feminine and womanly. Almost like i am no longer a woman. Ridiculous i know, but mentally my feminine parts now are just associated with fear, pain, anxiety and some shame.

I don't have any words of wisdom. Anything to make the feeling of loss better. Just that I comprehend what you are saying. The mental impact of cancer is by far the hardest. Grief and loss is a long process.

Love and hugs to you xx

Diagnosed   stage 3B squamous cell CC with paraaortic lymph node involvement. 4/2017. Had chemoradiation and brachytherapy finished 6/2017

4/2018 loop ileostomy inserted.

7/2018 bilateral nephrostomies for blocked ureters. 

11/2018 Pelvic Exenteration

Bumblebee25

Hey Bexter,

sorry for late reply! i've not been on for a while! 

sorry to hear you are struggling with things, it's certainly not any fun trying to get to grips with things 'down there'. I hear ya with the changes to your body and body image, I hear other women say about having sex and it absolutley terrifies me. The dilators are bad enough! It's certainly not ridiculous to feel like that though, it does change how you see things and how you feel about relationships, especcially being initimate because of everything you associate with it. i heard someone saying it's like having PTSD and i do think that's right, when you've been through something so traumatic i think it's hard not to. I hope you can be kind to yourself in some ways and not beat yourself up too much ( i know that's easier said than done).

Today's an ok day, a logical headed day! ha what even is one those!?! I've found things ok recently but i feel a bit numb to everything if im honest. I'm at that stage where most of my firends are having babies and even though i'm so happy for them (and i wouldn't be anything other) it does hurt to know i will never have that, but it is what it is!

Thanks for getting my ramble of mess above! You definately need someone that understands, as hard as anyone else tries they will never know until they experience it. 

Sending love and hugs back to you! xxxx

2 May 2017 Smear 4/5 May 2017 Haemorrhage. 8 May 2017 Colposcopy, LLETZ, punch biopsy.10 May 2017 MRI 11 May 2017 CT 1 May 2017 suggested diagnosis of CC 23 May 2017 diagnosed CC 2b19 June 2017 Start Chemo/Rad Finished 27 July.5 August 2017 Brachytherapy18 October 2017 MRI 7 November 2017 12 week appt & MRI results - lymph nodes no longer showing, inconclusive about remaining tumour. Scan again in 3 months.   February 2018 - All looks good, NED.

June 2018 - NED

October 2018 - 1 year post treatment - NED  

Bexter
Bexter's picture

Hi B,

Be kind to yourself. Grief and loss is a long process and there is no set time for the healing process. Try and talk to someone when the feelings overwhelm you,  but talking doesnt make the feelings go away either. Just remember to look after yourself. I am trying to be more positive about the new body changes, but that is way easier said and done especially when it keeps providing new dilemmas. 

 

Much love xx

Diagnosed   stage 3B squamous cell CC with paraaortic lymph node involvement. 4/2017. Had chemoradiation and brachytherapy finished 6/2017

4/2018 loop ileostomy inserted.

7/2018 bilateral nephrostomies for blocked ureters. 

11/2018 Pelvic Exenteration

starlight22

Hi ladies

Just jumping in here. Don't have much to say except wanted to send you a big virtual hug and love. The consequences of cancer (as my psychologist calls it) is extremely difficult to deal with, the loss of fertility, body changes. It's a lot to bear, and as you mentioned Bexter, it's a grieving process.

Lots of love and may we all find a little piece of contenment in our lives one day soon.

Rosie xx

Amandalouise222

Hi Bumblebee25

i just wanted you to know you are not alone. In march I was diagnosed with CC and also told I would be infertile afterwards at just 27 and having no children. 

I had always said I never wanted children but would explore the options in the future if my partner changed his mind. I looked at having my eggs frozen but was also told it would be too dangerous for me. This is when it really hit me, more than anything I felt I had failed as a woman and felt like I was never going to give my partner the chance to be a father. You can say you don't want children but when someone takes away your choice it made it the only thing I could think about. 

 

Just one week into my radiotherapy I was due my period and when it didn't come it was like a second blow... this was it. no children. 

I battled my feelings alone and cried... in the shower where my partner couldn't hear or in the night while he slept. Over time I healed and stopped getting upset, assured myself there are other options if I decided I did want to start a family. But every now and then a mom posts what to her is a harmless post on facebook about her baby, a pregnant friend telling us her baby just kicked for the first time, school photos etc and then it all comes back that I'm never going to have that. 

The hardest is people not understanding that your ovaries do not work, that your uterus is no longer capable of sustaining a pregnancy. People turn to me and say "miracles can happen" "never say never" and after trying to explain I find myself almost shouting at them to try and understand that it will never happen for me or other women that have had radiotherapy.

 

I'm sorry I've waffled on but your not alone in feeling the way you are. I know exactly how you feel. Having children does not define us, we are incredibly strong for going through what we have, all of us and we all have our whole lives ahead of us! it's not easy and some days are harder than others but please, always know you are not alone xxx

a lot of women and even their partners on here know exactly how you feel.

Sending you and everyone here lots of love 

love

Amanda

xxx

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