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struggling to get my head around this

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nixi
struggling to get my head around this

I was diagnosed last year febuary 11 with stage 1b1 after having a radical hysterectomy and nodes removed iv been given the all clear so far with usual 5yr follow ups my problem is tho that now its kinda only just sinking in what's happened im feeling robbed of everything have huge regrets about how i chose to do things , im 32 no children wanted them so badly but after 1 miscarriage and never falling pregnant again this happens im really struggling to come to terms with things and im angry 90% of the time , im sick of hearing you can adopt or use a surrogate like its as easy has saying it i don't feel that people understand and feel that the majority are thinking im un-grateful cause iv been lucky to beat it iv had ppl say "your one of the lucky ones " and of course i get what they mean but i don't feel that way how can anyone that's been through this be lucky you hear so much about cancer and the usual im so lucky from survivors so why can't i feel the same i wish i had a switch to turn off my feelings and emotions i hate feeling the way i do cause in my head i keep thinking the cancers gone but its still effecting me is this normal 18 months in ? Will i awake one morning and all these thoughts be gone ? Will i appreciate what life can give without children ? Will i just live for the day and not worry about the future? Can anyone relate ? X

Tivoli
Tivoli's picture

Hi Nixi :-)

I am so sorry about the emotional pain you are suffering. There are loads of different causes of childlessness and I don't suppose any of them are any less painful than any of the others. Mine's a bit random! As a teenager I went through a period of suicidal depression. I now know that it was reactive depression as a result of going through a nasty series of shocking losses in quick succession, but my mum saw it differently. I think mostly she just wanted to be kind to me and to try to make me feel less awful, and I also think in part she wanted to distance herself from the 'stigma' of 'mental illness'. So she told me that it wasn't my fault, I'd inherited it from my Dad's mum, who really did suffer from depression. Anyway, I believed every word of it, believed that it was only a matter of time before I would feel suicidal again, and believed that if I ever had kids they would inherit it and suffer in the same way as I did. So I did everybody a favour and had myself sterilised when I was only 32! It was only a week or two before my 50th birthday that it finally dawned on me that my mum had not a clue about genetics and that the whole thing was a big fat lie to make a tearful teenager stop crying. It has taken me a while to forgive her, but I have.

So, I missed out on pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, teething, sleepless nights, nappies, rashes, stretchmarks, snotty noses, grazed knees, and heap and heaps of other fun ;-) Instead I had a boring house with no scribble on the walls and no toys to trip over. But I do have nephews and nieces and they think I'm really quite exotic, not being boring enough to make them eat their vegetables before pudding, or allowing them to eat crisps and jelly together. Not making them do their homework before going out on bicycles.

You are a strong woman with a wealth of positive experience which you can share and put to good use. You can be involved with kids without having any of your own.

I trained to take 'underpriveleged' kids on holidays. Underpriveleged? Understatement! Kids who's parents abused them either verbally, physically or sexually; Kids who's parents were alcoholics, drug abusers or HIV positive. There are heaps and heaps of kids out there who can really benefit from spending time with YOU. They don't need to be yours and they don't need to live under your roof and you don't have to be there for them 24/7 You just have to want to share some of your time with them.

Take a positive stride forward, you owe it to yourself!

Go Well

Tivoli

xxxxx

 

 

stacyl

I‘m totally with you on this. I am so angry with myself because for most of my life I had no interest in having children at all. I wanted nothing to do with them!

Then I got cancer and the doc asked if I wanted my eggs moving so they didn'get fried by radiotherapy. I just wasn't interested. Then as the shock cleared I started to feel different.

I kind of keep it to myself most of the time. Friends also tell me I can adopt, but its clearly a difficult thing to get ~ on the bureaucratic side (not a big fan of paperwork). And also 

I'm scared that I won't be able to help with the emotional stuff that some adopted children go through. Sorry,mini rant (similar to the ones I dish out to people telling me to adopt!) 

I also have lovely friends and family but when I complain about stuff,  they'll say well at least you're still here. And I know I'm lucky but its the cruel way that it has taken away something that I had no interest in, and then, after everything is destroyed, making me feel all this regret and that I'm  gonna feel lIke something is missing. I keep ignoring my feeling, and most of the time I can get through. I try to distract myself so I don't start to feel sorry for myself. People say that talking to friends about it but I'm not really into talking about feelings! It took me about 9 months to tell my boyfriend! And then he had to drag stout of me! I almost feel like a real hypocrite cos I hated kids before! If you want to talk to someone who's in a similar boat, I'm here. I had stage 3a advanced cervical (it sneaked into my bladder and a couple of other nearby parts. I had radiotherapy this time 2 years ago. My insides seem to be recovering (some bits good/some bits rubbish!) I think that the mental stuff creeps up on us. I really hope that at sometime soon it will get either easier to deal with or just disappears for both of us. It'd be good if the egg-heads could be able to isolate that part of the brain and turn it off! Xxx good luck xxx

*

Ruthie32

Hey, 

I'm also 32 and have had a trachelectomy but it transpires that the cancer was more aggressive than could have been predicted so by Thursday this week I'm supposed to opt for a hysterectomy or a course of radiotherapy and chemo. No idea which way to turn, I also have had a couple of miscarriages previously and have out these down to bad luck, wrong timing, something being wrong with the foetus etc etc and frankly have just brushed it off.

Now, the choice of having a child is potentially going to be taken away and I'm lost for words...I'm angry, sad, petrified that the cancer will return and finish me off and like you, if one more person tells me how lucky I am and how tidy my house will be and how glad I'll be because of all the sleep I won't miss out on, I may scream. This is awful, horrid, unfair and just plain nasty. I get through by reminding myself that I don't want to be that woman who can't celebrate her friends pregnancies and that women who can't enjoy time with other peoples children or that women who is so absorbed with her own sadness that she can't see past it. It's really tough and I'm welling up as I type, but I will get through as will you...

 

Ruthie xx

bobby81

Hi all,

I wanted to post because everything you've all said resonates so strongly with me. I'm due to undergo treatment for cc next week (and have a history of other gynae type problems). I'm 33 and for my whole life I've never been bothered about having kids (save for the fleeting 'what if?') I feel strongly that women shouldn't have to be defined by the mother-or-not question and I always took pride in challenging this idea. People have said hurtful things to me in the past for being a woman who didn't seem preoccupied with becoming a mum and for not fussing over kids/babies. However, since my diagnosis I can only describe what I feel as an overwhelming and painful grief- I think for the life/experiences/feelings (including all the good and bad bits!) that it's dawned on me that I'll never have now. My husband is older than me and is ambivalent about kids. I wonder if the feelings I'm having are mostly because the 'choice' has been taken away from me, rather than some hidden longing to be a parent, but I can't be sure, the feelings are confusing me. I feel ashamed at feeling like some kind of woman-in-her-30s cliche, almost like I've betrayed my own values, and the shame is silencing and isolating me from the people I love. I tried to talk to my husband about it but it's so painful I can barely even get the words out. Almost everyone I know is having kids now and I feel very alone in the world, as if I don't belong. I'm afraid I *have* become that woman who can't enjoy her friend's pregnancies/kids;it kills me and adds to the feeling that I'm some kind of 'freak'. I just don't know how to dig myself out of this hole. I'm just so relieved to have found other people who feel something similar. Xx

1rachiebum

Hi all im 24 and got diagnosed with CC clear cell a couple of weeks ago im having to have a radical hysterectomy in 2 weeks time and i cant get my head around it! the shock and disbeilief is just awful... its mentally and emotionally draining!

I cant believe that i will never be able to be pregnant either. Im absouloutly gutted i feel like ive lost something so precious to me already before having my surgery im trying to mentally prepare myself for it thinking about surrogacy but its just not the same i feel so robbed not been able to have that experiece with my long term boyfriend. 

even before all this we was planning on getting marrid soonish then start trying...but guess life doesnt go to plan. the docotor said my cancer is rare and you can get it anywhere in your body as i was ranting on about the tracelectomy and he said its best to be safe then sorry and take it all away apart from my ovaries. I dont know about you girls but they didnt seem to give me any direction or info about surrogacy or adoption and just said look this is the surgery this is going to happen.... im going to see a councillor on thursday to try and get my head round it all. my best friend has already offered to do surrogacy but shes only my age and has her ownlife to lead.. its the best hope ive had since been told all of this... i guess we can only look at the options left and go from there.. we are lucky to be still here but i feel your pain its just not fair!!

 

here to talk

rachel xxx

had no symptoms other then eurosion of the womb...1st smear test at 24.... colposcopy... biopsys...stage 1b1...clear cell cervix...radical hysterectomy.. waiting for results

Bubbly79

Hi rachiebum

I know exactly how you feel ...I have been diagnosed with cc 1b2 last week and now I'm just waiting for all tests and the board to tell me what treatments I'm gonna be having but from reading all messages on this forum....it looks like the only option available to me is radical hysterectomy....I'm a bit older then you...37  but only recently I got to the stage to have someone to have a baby with ...not thx to my unwillingness...and suddenly that option is being snatched away from me and I feel absolutely gutted about it and few friends already told me that I should be lucky and that it's more important to survive it and then try to adopt ...makes me crazy especially as it's so new and last thing I wanna think about is the long process of adoption. 

It's hard to get to grips with the little options there are offered to us 

 

:) 

ailsacraig

Hi Nixi,

I'm new on here.  I'm 48 and childless not by choice.  it's unexplained infertility.  I grieved really, really hard about not having children.  It was like I was in a very dark tunnel and it affected my peace of mind for 5-10 years.  I can however tell you that about 5 years ago, I had a lightbulb moment and suddenly emerged from the tunnel. I just felt "there is more to me than my fertility, there is more to life than this, I need to start enjoying the amazing gift of life again".  And I've been more or less like that ever since. 

What I learned is that you are given an incredible gift that parents don't have:  time.  The key to recovery from childlessness for me was learning how to use that gift of time well.  For me, trial and error taught me to use it partly for work (as long as the work is fulfilling and/or remunerative), partly for others (I am blessed to have an amazing partner and we have the time to really look after each other emotionally) and partly for myself (the joy of being, sometimes, utterly selfish).  This has translated into big things like doing some further studying, supporting SOS Children's Villages, being active in a couple of political causes and the like.  It has also translated into lots of little things like taking a day (a whole day) to prepare a feast for the two of us, spending an hour (a whole hour) just looking at lipstick, and spending lots of time just sitting and enjoying the moment (read about mindfulness if you haven't already encountered it).  Parents don't have time for those things.   

I also did one big, huge selfish gesture.  One day i was walking past a jeweller's shop and a line from a song came into my head:  "And if that mockingbird don't sing, I'm going to buy me a diamond ring".  "Well," I thought, "the mockingbird of having kids didn't sing for me, so I am damn well going to buy me a diamond ring".  I went into the shop, splurged some of my savings, and bought myself a solitaire diamond ring.  I wear it every day and every time I look at it, it tells me I am still in the game, that I am still amazing, and that I have a lot of life still to live. 

Remember that you are amazing, that there is only one incredible you, that although grief comes in life you are incredibly special and most of all that You Are Worth it.

I wish you every success in rediscovering joy.  You need to give yourself time to grieve, but the grief won't be forever.  The joy is there, waiting for you, and one day before too long and when the time is right for you, you will meet and embrace joy again.

All the best,

Ailsa

xxx

aadvark

Hi, I really hate that kind of answer. That it could have been worse. I think people don't realize what they are saying. Why should anyone be happy to have gone through cancer? According to that, we should be always really happy that today a piano absolutely failed to fall in top of our head. It is simply absurd. If someone is told that she is infertile and can't have children, then that is terrible and she is "allowed" to be sad about it, but someone that has had to deal with much more now has to be perfectly happy with whichever bad luck or nasty things that may happen to them. I think if the people you are talking about are your family and friends maybe they are so relieved that you are well that they can't really take in what you are going through now. But I sincerely think they should think twice before speaking... Take care, and I hope it will pass.

Tccarte1
Tccarte1's picture

I just had a doctors appointment after my cone biopsy and was informed need to make to choice of risking a 20% roccurance rate (my tumor grew quite large in 3 years) or have a hystorectomy. I am 30 years old. I have been married less than a year and was planning on starting a family next year. My family keeps telling me they think I should put my health first and I can always adopt or use a surrogate. And I want to punch them. Yes, obviously I need to do what is best for me, but my parents feeling of protection over their child is something I would like to feel too! I know I can adopt but they act like they just give babies away at the local store! I know I am "lucky" that I have a chance to be healthy. There is just SO much to wrap your head around. I was so hopeful and hearing hystorectomy just took all the air out of the room. My husband is the absolute best and supports me in every way. His positivity in a realistic way is the only thing keeping me sane. Reading this thread was really helpful knowing Im not the only one that feels that way. 

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Living with the side effects of cervical cancer