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13 months ago I was terrified.
12 months ago I thought I was going to die and not see my 3 children grow up and leave my brain damaged mum without someone to look after her.
11 months ago I started making my FLBCC(ancer) hear my anger, frustration and told it to f*** off and made it realise I wasn't going to give up or give in and that I was far scarier than IT could ever be.
10 months ago I saw the daily radiotherapy as a few hours out from house arrest and home schooling and chemo days were my spa day.
9 months ago I finished my treatment for 3c1 cancer.
However, during this time my husband has never treated me with kit gloves. He has never valued my fear, feelings or melt downs. Even when I was diagnosed he told me he wished he had the diagnosis... Not because he didn't want me to go through this worry... Oh no... Because he thought he would deal with it far better, do cleanses, tai chi and fasts to eradicate it from his body. He would moan that I would sometimes be longer at the hospital because the children would play up or miss out on their home schooling as this was what I was expected to do and to make lunches and dinners. I would get told I was lazy and to get my arse out of bed on the days prior to me taking the flbcc by the balls and even on my off days during treatment. My children would hear him and then also repeat it at times when I wasn't feeling 100%.
Now, since finishing treatment when I tell him I've got yet another uti (I've had 8 sets of antibiotics in 5 weeks so far Feb to March), I have no feelings for sex, I don't feel turned on, I have hardly any feeling in my vagina or clit and orgasims are as powerful as a flys fart. .. He tells me "you are lucky to be alive, I can't believe you are moaning". I break down and tell him I'm like a zombie and alive from the waist up. He says I should be happy I can see our children grow up. I am. But I have an under functioning vagina. I've spoken to my gyne, my oncologist and my CN nurse... They have little compassion or understanding. My gyne tells me better to be numb than in pain. I ask if it will return... He says 'I don't know'. I ask if there is anything else he can do or I can take? He says 'no'. Same with the oncologist. He tells me to have more sex with my husband has he can see scaring. I nearly cried as well you can see how I feel towards my husband from the above. I feel abandoned... And literally kicked in the vagina... If only I had some feeling to feel the pain!
Is there anything I can do?... Apart from fill in the deep hole where the pond use to be using my husband has the filling?
Will testosterone or other hormone gel/creams help? Can I see anyone else about my numbness? I'll also add I have lost length - it's not the burnt cocktail sausage /thimble that I thought it was going to be but... It's not as long plus I have No g spot or a clit that doesn't work. I tried to use my old pelvic floor strengthener today. I haven't used it since pre-diagnosis. Well the size I use to be able to use is far too small (width) and when I put it inside it only just goes in. I put all the weights in that I use to be able to hold and it slid straight out like a flume at centre parks! So now I've discovered I have no pelvic floor either. Is it rude to ask if this has happened to everyone else who has had treatment?
Yes I get it... I am lucky to be alive. Yes, I'm lucky to even have a 'functioning' hole for a vagina. I'm only 42 and I feel as if I've been medically castrated and no longer female. I tried to explain this many times to my husband but I get a wall of 'too tired for this' or 'you don't understand how ill you were. You've been given a second chance'. BUT I WANT MY SEXUAILTY BACK.