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Hello ladies (and gentlemen here for advice on what their significant other is going through).
This post will have some information that may not be deemed appropriate for the forums, if that is the case and it needs to be removed, I understand. But i feel it has value to some who might be suffering like me and feeling like they are stuck.
I want to first start this post by stating that I have been having horrible trouble with using my dilators - in fact I have been stuck on the second size for a month or so now. It has been affecting me both mentally and physically :-
Terrified that I might never have sex again and my partner will love me less for it.
Terrified that it may never get any better than this
My self worth plummeted lower than ever.
Pain and tears when inserting the dilators and getting more and more anxious about why I am not making progress
My perenium hurt to touch and so I have been scared of touching it or letting anything else touch it.
Urethra bleeding and stinging when I pee (bleeding has stopped now)
Back passage issues
You name it and I have struggled with.
I have been speaking to a counsellor to see if talking through it helped - alas not so much, but we all know these things take time when you have been mentally scarred by this process. But I am unprepared to take months to a year to years to solve this issue.
So, a few weeks ago while I struggled on with all this, and while knowing some women can get back to normal a couple of weeks after treatment, I was berating myself for not being as resilient as them - I decided that I would try any method to help relax my mind and my body to allow me to get past this mental and physical block. Thus, I decided to try marijuana medicinally (personally sourced). After doing some research on strains and methods of use to aid in sexual desire I came to my conclusion. I'll not share the specifics here just in case.
The first time I took it, I felt nothing but decided to go ahead and try dilating to see if it had maybe worked on some level I wasn't aware of, but I was in more pain than before. My partner (whom is my dilator buddy) suggested it might be because I was anticipating it doing something and when it didn't my mind started go into overdrive. So I figured it just didn't work on me or I wasn't "doing it right", and I left it for a week and a half and pressed on without it but still not making any progress.
Until, a couple of nights ago I decided, "f*ck it, I want to try having sex regardless, because a penis is not so cold and rigid as a silicone dilator that has the word 'medical' to go along side it, thus driving my mind in only one direction - PAIN and fear.
I tried the Marijuana again, only this time I took more than I had before and coughed through it with determination and a mantra in my mind of "you are strong, your are healing, you are perfect", (this was to my vagina). This time I could start to feel the effects in my mind as I had hoped, I felt more relaxed and at ease. So down to the bedroom I went to set the scene, candles and nice music. Got myself ready and called my partner down to the room. I'll leave the nitty gritty salacious details out for everyone's sake , but suffice it to say that it worked. We spent some time with just sensual touch etc to heighten the mood and because I was high as heck it felt amazing.
Now, I still associate being on my back with the horror that was my brachytherapy so I wanted nothing to do with that position - and so being on my stomach made it easier.
I was having the same problem as I was having with my dilators (hitting a brick wall of muscle that had spasmed), however I had full control of depth, and the herbs had flipped a switch in my brain, turning the sensations normally percieved as pain into sensations of pleasure (to a degree), I was still aware of my perenium being tight and tender. But once we were in the swing of it the mind barrier gave way and I could feel almost normal insertion. But it was a penis!!!!!! A penis is much bigger than a number 2 dilator. This was a huge milestone for me and long may it continue but I am yet to try it again, I am going to go back to my dilators to see if anything has changed regarding them.
During the whole experience, although I did not feel particularly sexual to begin with, I could certainly feel my desire for it increase during the act. And the success of the act has now made me feel a bit more sexual. It has had an overall good effect.
In no way am I suggesting everyone try this as I know it is not everyone's cup of tea, but for those that have been struggling for a while and can't seem to break through that mental barrier - it is always worth looking into alternatives. Whether that is normal herbs like damania that you can get on Amazon or my way, that is ultimately up to you to decide. But I just thought that my experience might help someone for what it's worth.
If this is kept up and people are interested to hear if it has had any further benefits to progress, just let me know and I will keep a record so I can update you all.
October 2019 - smear test
November 2019 - results back; hpv with severe dyskaryosis, colposcopy organised.
November 2019 - colposcopy biopsy taken - confirmed abnormal cells
December 2019 - lletz performed
Jan 2020 - called in: confirmed I have cancer
Tests run through Jan and Feb. During this time went through fertility treatment; 5 eggs frozen.
End Feb - confirmed stage 2b CC (updated info, staging changed to stage 3 invlving lymph nodes)
Treatment starts March - 28 external radio/5 chemo/4 brachy
Only sat 3 chemo after developing tinnitus
April 25th - finished brachytherapy
July 2020 - MRI